Stop Thinking So Much

I was your life preserver you hung onto for dear life.

I said, “Don’t squeeze so hard or I might pop!”

But you didn’t listen.

Your nails dug harder and harder into my surface

until I began to ware.

Too scared to care

you persisted

and I learned to dismiss it.

Finally, enough was enough and I gave.

*POP* and you plop onto sand.

“I was safe all along” you say

and go on you way.

Jenny O. - All My Wishes

I’m gunna make it better
I’m gunna make it up to you
Ohhhhh
I told you how my day was spent
Never thought i’d hear the end of it
So i quit

All my wishes have come true
I’m thinking about it and i feel blue
Lonelier too
Be my summer, take my fall
Come winter your cold and it’s all my fault
Isn’t it all

I wrestle with my reasons everyday
I listen to my friends and what they say
What they say
If you don’t put out
And we don’t see eye to eye
Then why can’t I leave you?
But you sound so smart
Well, your tearing me apart
I believe you
I believe you

All my wishes have come true
I’m thinking about it and I feel used
And fairly accused
Be another summer, take my fall
Come winter and nothing has changed at all
Nobody calls

I gunna Make it better
Maybe i can change enough for you

I have some teen angst I feel the need to express, that’s what tumblr is for nowadays right?

well let me begin by saying the amount of energy I put into this sucker (I call him a sucker because he leeched onto me for over a year and sucked all the energy I had out of me) could have filled a stadium! I see now that I was his temporary crutch. I look at him now and he looks HAPPY. HAPPY! When the fuck was he happy with me? Wining and complaining is all I heard out of that mouth. I had to drown myself with his tears to keep him a float. Think of that Titanic scene when Jack is freezing to death and Rose is holding on with all her might knowing that he was going to die anyway saying, “I won’t let go Jack” and finally she has no choice but to let his sorry-ass go and save herself. That scene explains our relationship perfectly. The hell I went through, the amount of time I spent, the care I put into him all to get no sort of progress but rather witnessing him fall deeper and deeper into his own issues. It’s like trying to fix some used car you bought, seeing hope in it, seeing maybe that with some care, attention and time this car could be fixed and running one day! But really no matter how many times you tried fixing it something else would break in its place. It was frustrating after a while and humanly I gave up. I wasn’t going to waste my life trying to make a used car that was self-abusive into some working beauty. It was impossible, at least by me it seems. I hope he knows what he put me through, I really do. But if I got to know him at all through that year or so I know he didn’t. That undeveloped brain of his is too stubborn and immature to see the energy I put into him, the stepping stone I was for him. I can’t say towards the end I was the perfect girlfriend but I TRIED as hard as I could, giving him my full attention days even when I had art projects due the next day and not half way done. I listened to his rants and rarely did I have the chance to tell him my problems— going through freshman year of college, the transitioning and friend-making and new life-style couldn’t compare to his gluten intolerant problem or the fact that he didn’t want to get up to go to school every morning. A relationship is supposed to be equal! I felt like his filter he depended on and yet after he used me and abused my help he didn’t bother to clean me. Most of the time I felt like his fucking therapist! He had a therapist, why the fuck wasn’t she helping him with his shit! There’s only so much a senior in high school at the time, applying to colleges, scholarships, and getting her own shit together could do! I am surprised we lasted through all that. I put so many things on hold including family and friends and other opportunities to tend to his anxiety. I babied him and I hate myself for it. I would order his food, I would buy him gluten free treats and not once did I get a smile. I got nothing out of that relationship, if anything I lost energy and the enthusiasm to fall into another relationship as hard as I did into that one. I gave 110% and felt like I failed, imagine how that feels to an A student. I honestly don’t want to be with him again, that would be like WANTING to go to the dentist and get my wisdom teeth pulled out. I just wish he could see my side but that’ll never happen. So I’m stuck with this angst over him until someone else can top his. Ain’t that the sad truth.

tell me the number of people you loved and lost and I can tell you how fuck up you are.

You liked me for somebody I could have been but wasn’t. “Dye your head red, you’d look so hot” you’d say. “Maybe” I’d say. Truth is, I never liked you enough to change myself for you. It’s not natural to have to mold into that dream girl of yours, looks aren’t everything. Immature, horny, shallow boys need to learn that.

you let me complicate you: “It’s a rotten feeling like your intestines are knotted together and...

coldesire:

rush me into life
grasp the moment
and tug me through
because we all know I need the adrenaline kick
to feel life. to feel alive.
the chemicals between is
the walls that lie between us
lying in this bed.
my nail beds are bloody because
I can’t remember what you said
and pain triggers my memory
one cut - that lost kiss
two slices - the lose love
seven reasons why
seven devils luring me in
there is no method to my madness
let the incoherent thoughts
surround you
in every
way.